"I'm just kidding!"

May I just say something?

Of course I may. This is the United States of America, and I have free speech! :D

Ok, here goes.

Young men, sometimes you can be insensitive. You may have heard this before. From your mother, from your sister, from your girlfriend, etc.
 I don't want you to feel like I'm picking on you, or making too broad of a generalization (I am certainly NOT without my own flaws and struggles in this area, and there are plenty of other women who struggle with this too). I can only speak from what I have experienced with my own guy friends, and my brother.

I'm merely stating my thoughts concerning situations I seem to find myself in sometimes with you guys, where I struggle with what I ought to say in response.

I love y'all, truly I do. If I didn't care about you, I would not be taking the time to write this out.

I know most of the time you don't mean to be hurtful; sensitivity just doesn't seem to come as easily to men as it does to women. We are wired differently.

And yet despite that fact, in no way does that excuse you from exerting your best efforts to be sensitive and thoughtful with your words and actions. It's just good ol' common courtesy, not to mention a command straight from Scripture.

Here are some thoughts to consider...
I happened to hear one of you "kidding" the other day, belittling someone's choice of career. You laughed, and the other guy with you did too. A shared chuckle/snort kinda thing. I was confused...how exactly was that funny? Someone's talents are different than yours. Someone decided to start a career doing something that you yourself wouldn't/couldn't do. Just because it seems silly to you, does not give you license to make fun of someone who doesn't think so. Furthermore, please do not expect me to chuckle along with you when you make such "jokes."

No, it's not because I'm a sour, disagreeable person who hates humor. I love a good laugh. Laughing is a favorite past time of mine that I engage in often. However, I do not find comments that undermine someone's appearance, thoughts, feelings, career, etc, as something to be laughed at or made light of.

In the words of one of my favorite comedians, Ken Davis: "Humor is a gentle way to acknowledge human frailty."

I couldn't agree more. People need to laugh at themselves, and not take life so seriously sometimes. We can't properly cope with life if we don't laugh at how silly and frail we can be as human beings! 

Take note though: Laughing at human frailty is NOT the same thing as making fun of humans themselves. Human beings are made in the image of God, and are not something to be mocked, even if you're "just kidding."

Now don't get me wrong, I do not think it's wrong to engage in good-natured teasing betwixt good friends. That's part of acknowledging our human frailty...laughing at ourselves with our friends. When you know someone really well, you know what things are a "laughing matter" with them, and what things are not.

On the other hand, when you don't know someone, you have no right to belittle them, their perceived issues, or their life, even in jest. It makes no difference whether you are saying it directly to their face, or muttering the remark to your friends.
I just thought you should know that is why I did not, and hopefully never will laugh at that kind of "humor." If I ever do, I hope someone will care enough to point it out to me, so that I may correct my behavior.

Also, in the same vein of conversation but delving into slightly more specific territory: If you don’t have something nice to say about a woman’s appearance (be it your mother, sister, friend, girlfriend, or a total stranger) DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.  Many men can probably attest to the negative affect this will have on your typical female. What they generally don’t realize, is how lasting that kind of wounding remark can be in a woman's life.
I'll share an example from my own recent life, to illustrate.

I’m a person who is not easily offended, and fairly resilient. I can take someone calling me names, and let it roll off my back. I can see when someone doesn’t agree with my viewpoint and walk away from the situation with no hard feelings. I can think someone said something that seemed rude or thoughtless to me, and forgive them for it in the same thought. But as a woman with my own set of personal experiences, I know how damaging words from young men about my appearance can be, no matter how hard I pretend they don’t bother me, and even though they were probably “just kidding.”
Being nearly 21 years old and still plagued with acne bugs me. So much. I usually do a good job of not letting that be the ruling thing in my mind when it occurs….but I would be lying if I said I’m never self-conscious. Because I definitely am. A lot. I’ve discovered that it’s an issue all women struggle with sometimes, even the ones who seem most self-assured and confident.

With that said, having a guy friend jokingly suggest that I buy some Proactiv….it hurts. A lot. Sure, I force a laugh and act like it doesn’t faze me.  But a few weeks later, when I look into the mirror at my less-than-perfect complexion, his laughing words come back to haunt me. Again and again.

Guys…newsflash: Women are prone to self-consciousness. It’s a daily battle for many of us to obey the Bible’s command to not worry about our outward appearance, and focus instead on our hearts. It really doesn’t help us when you make a disparaging remark about how we look, even in the spirit of “kidding.” Your joking about my appearance usually gives me an immediate case of “ingrown eyeballs.” Focused in on myself, and my outward appearance. Suddenly I’m back in my self-conscious shell, praying for the strength to get out again. I hate that shell.

I used to not say anything to my guy friends about it. Like I said, I’m pretty good at “forgive and forget.”
“They didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. They didn’t know it would really bother me.”

Then one day, I realized….I NEED to say something. It’s doing a disservice to my guy friends to not let them know, it is NOT okay to “joke” about what a girl looks like. I don't want this to keep happening, especially when I know that it is not your intention to truly hurt anyone’s feelings. That’s why I’m writing this to you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: No, I am not "overly sensitive" or "mad" or "offended.”
I'm just hopeful. I hope that you will understand why I don’t find such things to be funny, and I sincerely hope you will reevaluate your definition of humor, because I love my brothers in Christ.

And, I love to laugh. :)

Ephesians 4:29

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Colossians 4:6
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
(To speak with grace is to speak words that are wholesome, fitting, sensitive and purposeful.)

1 Thessalonians 5:11
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…”