To spank or not to spank?

I was spanked, and I will always disagree with anyone who advocates for doing away with it altogether. I also disagree with anyone who abuses their child, spouse, or anyone else. Spanking does not equal abuse.

Abuse, by definition:

1) use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.

2) treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

When the concept of spanking is applied in the proper context, for the proper reasons, and with the proper heart attitude, it can and does have hugely helpful applications in child-rearing. When people abuse their children and label it as “spanking” to make it seem appropriate and right, they are entirely in the wrong and will have a hugely detrimental effect on their children.

My parents laid out clear guidelines for our behavior. They taught us obedience and respect. They showed us unconditional love. They spanked us. How did they manage to accomplish all of that at once? We knew the rules. They told us what was acceptable behavior, what was not, and why. They made sure we knew that our actions would always have consequences, both good and bad.

Spanking was never a blanket punishment. It was never in public, never in front of anyone. It was never something that happened without warning, or for a reason that had not been made imminently clear to us. Lying, for instance. There was always grace and mercy for immediate honesty when we knew we had done something wrong. But when we chose to intentionally lie and make up stories to cover the truth of what we had done and were caught in that lie? That was a spanking. And we knew it, because we had been told, warned, and explained to plenty of times prior to the offense what the consequences of those actions/choices would be.

When my mother would discover us in the midst of boldfaced deceit, we would first get sent to our room. This was so she could prepare her heart and mind to discipline us for the right reason. My parents knew if they ever spanked in the heat of the moment it would not be the proper context/motivation for loving discipline and would put us at risk to merely receive wrath rather than an exercise of loving discipline. Once they came to us, we would always have a discussion about why we were being disciplined. What the offense was, and why we had to receive punishment for it. They made sure we knew this wasn’t some kind of revenge/retribution on their part for our bad behavior. Then we were spanked (the number of swats was already set ahead of time based on age/offense, so we knew exactly what to expect). After the spanking, we were immediately embraced, comforted, and assured absolutely of forgiveness and a putting away of the offense. It was over with, it was gone. We weren’t given the silent treatment or treated like an outcast, but were immediately brought back into full loving fellowship with our parents.

My parents went above and beyond in their methods of discipline to balance instilling the concept of consequences with full forgiveness. Of preaching the Gospel to us and doing their best to lead us in the way of life by the way they spanked.

Now, all that said: not every child responds to spanking the same way. I knew a kid who cared not a whit whether she got spanked or not. So her parents never spanked, because for her it wasn’t punishment. In other cases, there are kids on the opposite end of the spectrum that will fall to pieces with just a stern look and word from a parent. To spank a kid like that would be beyond unnecessary. Sensitivities vary wildly from child to child, so to assume biblically informed spanking will work wonderfully for everyone is wrong. You have to figure your own kids out, and figure out what type/sort of discipline is best for them. It should not be mainly about what YOU prefer so much as what your child needs. You might have two kids that you have to discipline completely differently. Such is life. “One size fits all” is a myth.

Regardless of your methods, good discipline starts with clear boundaries and clear communication. And CONSISTENCY. Your kids should know exactly what they can expect from you when they break the rules and cross the lines, and if they do I can guarantee they will respect your authority far more than if you constantly waffle back and forth and fail to hold them accountable.