Failing Fearlessly
Hi folks. My name is Lyn Fitzwilliam, and I am a perfectionist.
Chronic perfectionism contributes greatly to my struggles with procrastination, and especially fear of failure. Why do I put things off? Because I'm afraid I won't do them well, so I'd rather push them to the side and pretend I'll get to them later. Why am I sometimes so fear-filled at the thought of learning something new (specifically in front of others)? Because I'm afraid I'll try my hardest...and fail. I won't be good enough...and people will see that.
I know this about myself, and don't like it one bit. I feel trapped sometimes, inside a cage of my own meticulous construction.
Why do I have to be good enough? Why am I not allowed to fail? What's wrong with failure? I've been asking myself these questions. Failure is scary for anyone, but especially someone who has self-imposed expectations of perfection.
Failure leaves me feeling weak and inadequate. It makes me feel...less-than.
Why would I want to knowingly put myself in the position of potentially experiencing even more failure, when I already know how much I fail all the time as it is? Why would I risk putting myself out there when the potential for further failure looms so large? That's just unnecessary. Who wants that? Not I.
I hide prideful pining behind a carefully constructed façade of apathy, constantly laboring to build up and maintain personal walls of perfectionism protection.
I say I don't want to fail because it doesn't feel good, but what I really mean is that I don't want to fail because I don't want to look as though I am lacking. I don't want to appear as though I am unable. I don't want to be seen as less valuable than anyone else. I want everyone to always be impressed with me.
To do something I'm not sure I can handle is just too risky, too full of uncertainty. If I've never done it before, how do I know I'll do it well? Anxiety creeps in and shuts down the mere thought of trying something that could expose me in such a way; it would leave me too vulnerable.
"Do you realize how utterly ridiculous you are?" I often ask myself.
PEOPLE KNOW YOU AREN'T PERFECT. NO ONE IS. YOU WILL NEVER BE, AND YOU KNOW IT!
Well, yes... I do know that.
So if I know that, why do I choose to continue in this enslavement? A bond-servant to perfectionism, fearfully hiding in the shadow of things I'm not quite sure I can do...that's no way to live. That's not freedom. That's slavery.
Slavery is not what God has called me to. This behavior, these feelings that I'm letting rule my heart? They're sin. This is enslavement to sin, and this is what Jesus Christ has freed me from. He has broken the chains that bound me and invited me to live fearlessly in his grace and love! Why am I sitting here still clinging to these awful chains, trying to lock myself back up in them?
Jesus has shown me the immensity of my imperfection...but has also made me perfect in Himself. Perfect to God. There is no greater perfection than that which has already been imparted to me; why do I strive for measly, fleeting earthly perfection when such precious, eternal perfection is already mine!?
What a mess I am.
But oh, how He loves me. How great is His faithfulness. How often He has tugged me out of my shell and shown me His glory...and how often have I admired it for a moment, before going right back to being distracted by vain striving for something that is far less than the best. "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."
God has not only called me to freedom from enslavement to sin, but He has called me to a realization of my inadequacy. And not just a realizing, but an embracing. A full acknowledgment and acceptance of just how very lacking I am. How incredibly weak and susceptible to failure. He wants me to accept this and know it so much, that He sometimes just lets me fall flat on my face. It hurts. But I need that hurt, to be reminded of how insufficient I am apart from Him.
"I am weak, but He is strong"...I've been singing those familiar words since I was small, but how much time have I truly spent relying on His strength alone?
Most of the time I find myself performing as though my own strength is entirely sufficient. Or at least close to entirely...God can't be expected to do ALL of it? Actually He can, and prefers to (something about being omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent gives Him an advantage that I can't match).
When I take a moment to try and visualize what it looks like for ME to try and "help" HIM...I simply have to chuckle. It's like a gnat coming along and offering to help Superman hoist a house into the air.
Like that, times infinity.
Pathetic, laughable "help," and totally unnecessary. Yet here I am, all too often a pathetic, perfectionist gnat of a girl barging in to try and prove my helpful "muscle" to an Almighty God, when all He really wants me to do is realize that I can't do ANYTHING worthwhile in my own strength.
I've got to stop striving so hard to be strong and perfect, and instead rest in and rely on His perfect strength. I must let go of these continual attempts to seem perfect to people.
I've got to stop being so terrified of experiencing my own inadequacy, and start allowing others to see my failures and know my weakness...so that I may with greater confidence point to the perfect, unfailing strength of a loving Father, and the perfect righteousness and atoning work of a merciful Savior.
The point of my fleeting life on this earth is not to create some false sense of my own perfection in people's minds, but to reflect the truth and beauty of His perfection. He has already provided the perfect Light of the world, and my job is to be a mirror. Not to try to compete with some unsteady, flickering flame of my own conjuring.
I'm not called to live in fear, but in freedom. Freedom which enables me to live fearlessly, free to fail fearlessly... knowing that all of my failures here on earth can never alter the ultimate victory I have through Jesus Christ.
As such, my failures here on earth do not have the power to determine my worth. My worth has been determined by Christ's sacrifice, and His record of perfect righteousness before God the Father has been eternally imputed to me. When I compare myself to others on a scale of earthly success and failure, I will never be good enough. But praise be, He is and always will be more than good enough.
Living in fear and perfectionism is living in chains.
Living in chains inhibits my ability to proclaim Christ as Chain-Breaker.
How can I willingly sit here in my chains and expect others to hear my voice telling them that they need to be free like me? Rubbish. Real freedom is lived in, not just talked about. I have been given the gift of real freedom, and by God's grace I'm going to live in it.
I'm going to start by doing something new. Trying things I don't know if I'll be able to do very well, that push me out of my comfort zone. I want to start failing fearlessly, and praising Him for the freedom to do so. Praising Him for the innate weaknesses that allow me to know the blessing of His strength, more and more every day.
“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” Psalm 18:32
"For you, brothers, were called to freedom; but do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh. Rather, serve one another in love." Galatians 5:13
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaZwZt4kZ0g
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XBouAKHm5Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uOy8vbQXqI
Chronic perfectionism contributes greatly to my struggles with procrastination, and especially fear of failure. Why do I put things off? Because I'm afraid I won't do them well, so I'd rather push them to the side and pretend I'll get to them later. Why am I sometimes so fear-filled at the thought of learning something new (specifically in front of others)? Because I'm afraid I'll try my hardest...and fail. I won't be good enough...and people will see that.
I know this about myself, and don't like it one bit. I feel trapped sometimes, inside a cage of my own meticulous construction.
Why do I have to be good enough? Why am I not allowed to fail? What's wrong with failure? I've been asking myself these questions. Failure is scary for anyone, but especially someone who has self-imposed expectations of perfection.
Failure leaves me feeling weak and inadequate. It makes me feel...less-than.
Why would I want to knowingly put myself in the position of potentially experiencing even more failure, when I already know how much I fail all the time as it is? Why would I risk putting myself out there when the potential for further failure looms so large? That's just unnecessary. Who wants that? Not I.
I hide prideful pining behind a carefully constructed façade of apathy, constantly laboring to build up and maintain personal walls of perfectionism protection.
I say I don't want to fail because it doesn't feel good, but what I really mean is that I don't want to fail because I don't want to look as though I am lacking. I don't want to appear as though I am unable. I don't want to be seen as less valuable than anyone else. I want everyone to always be impressed with me.
To do something I'm not sure I can handle is just too risky, too full of uncertainty. If I've never done it before, how do I know I'll do it well? Anxiety creeps in and shuts down the mere thought of trying something that could expose me in such a way; it would leave me too vulnerable.
"Do you realize how utterly ridiculous you are?" I often ask myself.
PEOPLE KNOW YOU AREN'T PERFECT. NO ONE IS. YOU WILL NEVER BE, AND YOU KNOW IT!
Well, yes... I do know that.
So if I know that, why do I choose to continue in this enslavement? A bond-servant to perfectionism, fearfully hiding in the shadow of things I'm not quite sure I can do...that's no way to live. That's not freedom. That's slavery.
Slavery is not what God has called me to. This behavior, these feelings that I'm letting rule my heart? They're sin. This is enslavement to sin, and this is what Jesus Christ has freed me from. He has broken the chains that bound me and invited me to live fearlessly in his grace and love! Why am I sitting here still clinging to these awful chains, trying to lock myself back up in them?
Jesus has shown me the immensity of my imperfection...but has also made me perfect in Himself. Perfect to God. There is no greater perfection than that which has already been imparted to me; why do I strive for measly, fleeting earthly perfection when such precious, eternal perfection is already mine!?
What a mess I am.
But oh, how He loves me. How great is His faithfulness. How often He has tugged me out of my shell and shown me His glory...and how often have I admired it for a moment, before going right back to being distracted by vain striving for something that is far less than the best. "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."
God has not only called me to freedom from enslavement to sin, but He has called me to a realization of my inadequacy. And not just a realizing, but an embracing. A full acknowledgment and acceptance of just how very lacking I am. How incredibly weak and susceptible to failure. He wants me to accept this and know it so much, that He sometimes just lets me fall flat on my face. It hurts. But I need that hurt, to be reminded of how insufficient I am apart from Him.
"I am weak, but He is strong"...I've been singing those familiar words since I was small, but how much time have I truly spent relying on His strength alone?
Most of the time I find myself performing as though my own strength is entirely sufficient. Or at least close to entirely...God can't be expected to do ALL of it? Actually He can, and prefers to (something about being omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent gives Him an advantage that I can't match).
When I take a moment to try and visualize what it looks like for ME to try and "help" HIM...I simply have to chuckle. It's like a gnat coming along and offering to help Superman hoist a house into the air.
Like that, times infinity.
Pathetic, laughable "help," and totally unnecessary. Yet here I am, all too often a pathetic, perfectionist gnat of a girl barging in to try and prove my helpful "muscle" to an Almighty God, when all He really wants me to do is realize that I can't do ANYTHING worthwhile in my own strength.
I've got to stop striving so hard to be strong and perfect, and instead rest in and rely on His perfect strength. I must let go of these continual attempts to seem perfect to people.
I've got to stop being so terrified of experiencing my own inadequacy, and start allowing others to see my failures and know my weakness...so that I may with greater confidence point to the perfect, unfailing strength of a loving Father, and the perfect righteousness and atoning work of a merciful Savior.
The point of my fleeting life on this earth is not to create some false sense of my own perfection in people's minds, but to reflect the truth and beauty of His perfection. He has already provided the perfect Light of the world, and my job is to be a mirror. Not to try to compete with some unsteady, flickering flame of my own conjuring.
I'm not called to live in fear, but in freedom. Freedom which enables me to live fearlessly, free to fail fearlessly... knowing that all of my failures here on earth can never alter the ultimate victory I have through Jesus Christ.
As such, my failures here on earth do not have the power to determine my worth. My worth has been determined by Christ's sacrifice, and His record of perfect righteousness before God the Father has been eternally imputed to me. When I compare myself to others on a scale of earthly success and failure, I will never be good enough. But praise be, He is and always will be more than good enough.
Living in fear and perfectionism is living in chains.
Living in chains inhibits my ability to proclaim Christ as Chain-Breaker.
How can I willingly sit here in my chains and expect others to hear my voice telling them that they need to be free like me? Rubbish. Real freedom is lived in, not just talked about. I have been given the gift of real freedom, and by God's grace I'm going to live in it.
I'm going to start by doing something new. Trying things I don't know if I'll be able to do very well, that push me out of my comfort zone. I want to start failing fearlessly, and praising Him for the freedom to do so. Praising Him for the innate weaknesses that allow me to know the blessing of His strength, more and more every day.
“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” Psalm 18:32
"For you, brothers, were called to freedom; but do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh. Rather, serve one another in love." Galatians 5:13
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaZwZt4kZ0g
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XBouAKHm5Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uOy8vbQXqI
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